Dear Michelle,

When I first saw you, I thought you were the answer, no, the solution to save America.  Just as hot as Sarah Palin, but not from Alaska.  Married, but with a rumored to be gay husband, (thus probably more likely to dish out some oval office lovin’).  In short, you were perfect.  Until recently.

Your heart is in the right place, but your facts are not.  Recently, you rightly and properly credited the earthquake that shook virginia, and the hurricane that swept the east coast as being caused by a higher power.

When I heard that, I was extremely happy.  Finally, a politician willing the speak the truth.  A politician smart enough to know that I caused the hurricane.  However, after popping 2 bottles of Dom Perignon in celebration of recognition by our next president, I realized a terrible fact.

Bachmann was referring to Jesus, not myself.

I was extremely offended.  How could she think that a man who is over 2,000 years late and ranked behind me could be capable of such an act.  Obviously, I am much more powerful.  Obviously, I caused the Hurricane.

What’s worse, Bachmann now says it was a joke!  First, she goes from honoring me, to placing the credit on another deity, then finally, saying the whole thing was a joke!  Michelle, my powers are not a joke.  My ability to make anyone live forever is not a joke.  My immortal healing secrets, are not a joke.  However, with crazy comments like this, your campaign is becoming a joke.

I am sorry, but I can not support you for president.

Eternally yours,

Master William E. Powers

As we all know, Capitalism is a perfect system.  If you are lazy, stupid or poor, then you stay poor.  If you are smart, handsome or rich, then you are rich.  Its a perfect equilibrium.

Recently, some thieves and evildoers have tried to undo this perfect system.  They call themselves many things.  ”Doctors without Borders”, “The Ronald McDonald House” “The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation” “The Communist Party of China”.  Don’t let these nice names fool you.  These are organizations bent on achieving one terrible goal.  Equality for everyone.

Who would do something so dastardly?

A system which makes everyone equal is inherently unequal!  Certain people are better than others.  It’s just a fact.  Supermodels, hot women, the makers of Jack Daniels, and my followers are all certified by scientists at Eternity Industries to be superior than the average human.  Think mathematically.  49.9% of people are below average.  That’s science.

Obviously, as a reader of this site, you are not among that group. However, many people you will encounter in life are. Sadly, these incompetent, worthless, sad excuses for human beings often end up in positions of power. Indeed, this is the fatal flaw of democracy.

If you let stupid people vote, you’ll get stupid leaders. It’s that simple. Want proof?

“Live Forever” is still not required reading in more than 80% of schools.

Rick Perry held a prayer rally for Jesus– not Me.  As we have discussed many times, Jesus has kept us waiting over 2,000 years for his return.  I’m sick of waiting.

These are mere drops in the giant bucket of stupidity, a huge reservoir which, despite its almost infinite size, is close to overflowing.

What can we do to bring back reason?  What can we do to save this country from the brink?

We must start a revolution.  There are ways we could do this.  But before I elaborate, lets look at the benefits of taking over the government.

Once we control America, we can stop debating about the debt ceiling and simply do the sensible thing– stop paying our debt!  I’m tired of China claiming they are going to be the next superpower.  I’m tired of hearing that our children will be forced to eat with chopsticks and we will all soon worship chairman Mao.  No, I won’t let that happen.  As you remember, the Communist Party of China believes everyone is equal.  That is reason alone to stop paying them.  How can any organization with thoughts that crazy be trusted with money?

“But Master, China already has our money.  They have 3 trillion dollars of foreign exchange reserves!  What are we do to?”

Actually, China doesn’t have all that money stored in cash.  They just own lots and lots of Treasury Bonds-  US Government debt.  If we stop paying, all they have is a stack of paper.  That’s why we should stop paying the Chinese.  But… before some of you start saying I am too cruel, I would like to tell you this.  All the Treasury Bonds are printed on really nice paper, and will be perfect for Origami and making miniature paper replicas of the great wall of China.

Once we seize control of the democratic levers, we will not only be able to spread our message of immortality farther than ever before, we can also stop paying China.  But how will we do it?

We have two options:  1: Total insurrection.  Kill, rape and murder our way to the top.  This is a good strategy, but, considering I preach nonviolence, it is not the preferred way of destroying the US Government.  The better way is option 2:  Slowly take over by infiltrating congress, placing copies of “Live Forever” in the House of Representatives.  We, as immortals, bide our time, and wait for our enemies to die slow, painful natural deaths.

Once all the normal humans are dead, us Immortals, newly in the majority of society, will swoop in, elect ourselves to be leaders, and save America from within.  We will amend the constitution, appoint myself as Eternal King, and thus create a perfect society.

Dear Followers,

One of the biggest problems I have with rival belief systems (despite their inherent falsehood) is the lack of tolerance I see for repressed members of society.  One of the most persecuted, least understood groups of people are homosexuals.  Despite their huge contributions to the fashion and culinary industries, gays are routinely discriminated against, not only in the United States, but in Europe, and around the world.

This has to stop.

I don’t have all the answers.  I don’t know whether homosexuality is a choice or not.  But I sure hope it is.  Thats why I’m announcing the Master William E. Powers “A Gay in Every Family” initiative, which aims to promote homosexuality as a trendy, safe, and fun lifestyle choice for the whole family.  Under this initiative, participating families will volunteer their firstborn sons to undergo “Homosexual appreciation training” which will gently, softly, and sensually introduce them to the joys of male to male contact.

Under the first phase of the program, we will aim to convert 50% of males under 15 to homosexuality. What does this mean?  More tolerance, more respect, and most importantly, more women for straight men, like myself.  With 50% of future competition eliminated in one fell swoop, straight men like myself will find it ever easier to impregnate any women we so desire.  Don’t believe me?  Check out these testimonials from professional womanizers interviewed during the drafting process.

“It’s a win win situation if I ever saw one.” Says Rob Thomas, a 25 year old straight male. “As William Powers slowly converts the majority of men into homosexuals, It will finally be possible for me to get a date.”

“I’m tired of blow up dolls.  Now that I’m following Master Powers, not only am I immortal, I finally see a way out of my crushing loneliness and repressed sexual desires.”- Takeshi Mizukana, 34, straight computer programmer.

Chief technical scientist at Eternity Industries Michael Gregory had this to say.  ”We’re really excited to implement the Master William E. Powers “A Gay in Every Family” initiative.  We do expect copulation rates for single, lonely males will rise by 21%, although the largest increase will be reserved for Master Powers himself, who is projected to see a 573.4% increase in the number of women he makes love to every day.”  He continued.  ”The long run benefits for society are clear.  With Master William E. Powers genes soon to be present in a majority of humanity, the eugenics goals we have here at Eternity Industries will finally be within reach.  Soon, we will create the Master Race.”

Although some have raised doubts about the efficacy of the proposal, others have raised serious concerns, saying that HIV/AIDS cases are projected to skyrocket.  ”Although we do expect a 24% increase in HIV/AIDS cases within the next 5 years, we do not regard this as a serious problem.  All readers of “Live Forever” will be immune from the disease, while those who refuse to read “Live Forever” deserve to die anyway.  He continued.  ”I regard this as killing two birds with one stone.”

As you can see, the scientific community is unanimously in support of my “A Gay in Every Family” initiative.  I do hope the world will rally around my cry for equality.

Eternally yours,

Master William E. Powers

Lies on Yahoo News

Reader, as I woke up this morning at my mansion I thought it was going to be a perfect day. The sun was shining through the windows, my butler had placed a warm skim cappuccino made with organic milk from the austrian alps on my bedside table. Two of my most attractive disciples, Tatiana and Yuriko, were still asleep, and looked beautiful laying naked on the pure velvet sheets, ensconced between my goosefeather pillows and silk blankets.

I visualized my windows opening, and viola, a breeze started rolling in, sensually and seductively peeling back the silk blankets from upon Tatiana and Yuriko, unveiling their luscious bodies beneath.

I then joined them in bed and we commenced a spiritual love ritual. Bringing all three of us to levels of physical and spiritual ecstasy previously unknown to mankind

I then checked the news on my computer. Thats when disaster struck. First, after 50 minutes of lovemaking, spiritutual excersizes, my cappuccino was cold. I had to visualize heat to make it drinkable again. Second, and most importantly, I saw this article on Yahoo News.

“Who Wants to Live Forever? Scientist Sees Aging Cured.”

I breathed a sigh of relief. Finally, the mainstream media is seeing the truth. Finally they have discovered that by following my teachings, anyone and everyone can live forever! I visualized a bottle of Dom Perignon and began to celebrate. Then, disaster struck.

I read the article. I was not mentioned once. Not once! An article about immortality, and yours truly, the great Master William E. Powers not mentioned even once? What a joke! What an insult, not only to myself, but to all of humanity!

The scientist charlatan in the article says “I’d say we have a 50/50 chance of bringing aging under what I’d call a decisive level of medical control within the next 25 years or so,”

What a joke. As I have said in one of my paid appearances on the lecture circuit “I, Master William E. Powers personally guarantee there is a 100% chance that aging is completely under control.”

The Entire article is littered with False statements, and a general lack of praise for me. Disgusting.

This scientist has no grounding in reality at all. The article says “Cardiovascular diseases are the world’s biggest age-related killers”.

FALSE. Death is the world’s biggest killer.

“To date, the world’s longest-living person on record lived to 122 and in Japan alone there were more than 44,000 centenarians in 2010.”

FALSE. the world’s longest living people are my disciples who on record live to ∞.

“For some, the prospect of living for hundreds of years is not particularly attractive, either,”

FALSE. Everyone wants to live forever. Everyone wants to achieve their dreams. They are just too scared to admit. Conditioned, controlled, and put down by society they are grasping for a true, honest, legitimate teacher like myself to help them.

Despite my alarm and disappointment at seeing such a false, misleading and insulting article on Yahoo news, I was able to get through the day.  How?  By helping people.  I flew the Eternity Industries G650 across the Sahara desert, blessing the nomads with positive thoughts of Gatorade to quench their thirst.

Enemies of Life: The Wall Street Journal

Reader, I have always supported the Wall Street Journal’s pro capitalist agenda. We agree on many issues, such as low taxes, supporting the oil industry, and the grey blue leather option on the Rolls Royce Phantom. Moreover, both myself and Rupert Murdoch prefer Gulfstream when our exotic lives call for jet travel.

Therefore, you can imagine my dismay when I saw this article in the most recent issue of the Journal. “The 25 Documents You Need Before You Die”. After my many meetings with Murdoch at secret, billionaire only summits, I thought we were on the same page regarding death. Indeed, were it not for my healing secrets, he would already be dead.

Writing an article preparing you for death is truly an insult. Why should we accept the fate given to us by nature? Isn’t there a better way? Isn’t there a chance for life? Yes, yes reader, there is. You know this, you’ve followed my teachings, and read my books.

If I were writing an article it would be called “The one book you need before you live forever.” It would be a simple article. It would have one sentence.

“Buy this book, live forever.”

There is one silver lining however. This article proves my central point. Death is complicated and unnecessary.

The Wall Street Journal has proven that death is in fact, a choice, and it is a more complicated choice than life. How? Just look at all the work you have to do if you want to die. 25 forms. What a pain. What a troublesome mess.

With over 25 forms to fill out if you want to die, why choose death? Why not read one book, and live forever? It is clearly the simple, easy choice.

In closing I would like to address the editor of the Wall Street Journal. I know you probably just wrote this article to sell more magazines to those with a pro-death agenda, such as CEO’s of companies in the coffin industry. You were just trying to make more money– a laudable goal if there ever was one. However, your slight uptick in sales will not make up for your loss of credibility. I do hope you change your editorial positions to support a more pro-life agenda.

Master William E. Powers

Obama Thanks Master Powers

NEW YORK- Eternity Industries charitable spokesman Jeff Gunsworth yesterday announced that international immortal healing celebrity Master William E. Powers has donated 50,000 signed, limited edition, never before released, leather-bound copies of his bestselling book “Live Forever” to the United States government, thus solving the national debt crisis.

“Conservative estimates put the value of each signed, limited edition copy of “Live Forever” at 250 Million Dollars. Although we here at eternity industries like to say that life is priceless.” He continued “At this valuation, the total donation amounts to nearly 14 Trillion dollars, enough to completely wipe out the national debt and once again put America on the path towards prosperity and life.”

Central Bank Governors around the world were stunned by the sheer generosity of the gift. Secretary of the Treasury Timothy Geithner released a statement saying “We thank Master William E. Powers for ensuring the financial stability of the United States for years to come. As we all know, out of control spending here in Washington meant that the Chinese were slowly enslaving us. Now I can finally eat at Panda Express without shame.”

Lawmakers from both political parties seemed relieved. Speaker of the House and Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi released a joint statement: “We are so glad that instead of having to make tough decisions on spending cuts or tax increases, we can go back to what we both do best: Our normal routine of endless partisan bickering. Thank you Master Powers.”

Political analysts initially believed that the resolution of the debt crisis would result in a bump in popularity for President Obama, however early numbers suggest that in fact Obama’s support is unchanged. Master William E. Powers on the other hand, has shot up in the polls, and now beats Obama in a head to head matchup 74% to 21% with 5% undecided.

But this news isn’t just making waves in the United States.

Early Wednesday morning, just as this paper was going to press, rumors abounded that European Central Bank president Jean-Claude Trichet was desperately trying to reach the famously elusive Master William E. Powers to arrange a bailout of Greece. One of his top aides, speaking on the condition of anonymity said “Jean-Claude is red with envy. We’re dealing with the largest debt crisis in European history and Master William E. Powers bailed out America instead! Where did we go wrong?” He later added “Jean-Claude came into the office, fired his secretary, and then ordered a case of scotch” Other sources claimed that “everyone is hanging their heads” at the office after the announcement.

Despite the best efforts of the Europeans, Master Powers could not be reached, but is rumored to be on his Gulfstream 650 en route to Fiji.