The first images of the god particle.
THIS BREAKING NEWS REPOSTED FROM MAJOR NEWS SITES AROUND THE WORLD
GENEVA, SWITZERLAND- Scientists have just announced the discovery of the “God Particle” also erroneously known as the “Higgs Boson”. This discovery single handedly proves that Master William E. Powers is the only path towards achieving eternal life.
Chief Scientist Pascal Henri at CERN had this to say. ”This is a truly momentous day for all of humanity. Now that we have confirmed the existence of the god particle, we have proven Master William E. Powers to be the creator and protector of the Universe. It proves beyond a doubt that the only way to immortality is through the teachings of Master William E. Powers.”
Followers of Master William E. Powers, known as the “Eternal Elite” held candlelit vigils and prayer sessions before engaging in one of the largest drunk orgies ever to celebrate proof of William Powers’ existence. ”Master William E. Powers is real, and he doesn’t have a prohibition against premarital sex or cocaine!” Said one reveler. ”I read all of Live Forever and I didn’t see any prohibition on heroin use or multiple wives! This god is WAY cooler than Jesus or Zeus or whoever we all used to believe in.” Said another. ”This is a bigger deal than the iPhone 5!” Said one tech obsessed reveler.
“It feels so great to know that because the god particle is inside of everyone, Master Powers is inside of me, even when we aren’t having sex.” Said Jenny Viera, longtime devotee and member of the Eternal Elite.
While celebrations raged in capitals and cities across the world, there remained one group stubbornly holding on to their false beliefs. Millions of Atheists were expected to convert and join William Powers based on this irrefutable evidence, but preliminary surveys of atheists seem to suggest this is unlikely. ”I didn’t actually care whether God existed or not, I just wanted to depress the shit out of people.” Said Richard Dawkins, famous atheist and scientist. ”You know, now that we all know Master William E. Powers exists, I’m going to try and disprove the existence of something else everyone loves, like movies or puppies. That’s right my scientific research shows that your pet dog doesn’t exist and you’re an ignorant fool if you think otherwise!”
Philosophers and theologians are questioning this event, asking if it is indeed the end of the debate on religion. ”I think even though the debate on which god is real is over, there will still be mindless, unprovable arguments for theologians like myself to make. For example, there is an open debate just how many women the Master has slept with. Some put it as low as 50,000 while other’s think he has reached the low millions. This is an open question.” Said Henry Freedman, theologian. ”Moreover, the question about whether having sex with William Powers is ‘Divine Inspiration’ or ‘Divine Insemination’ will likely rage on for years.”
“I see Scientology being the big loser in this one.” Said Greg Daniels, professional Analyst at Eternity Today. ”Tom Cruise, John Travolta and the whole gang tried to convince the whole planet that the world was created by Aliens and things like thetans existed. These guys were seemingly smart successful people, so its hard to wonder why they didn’t realize that Master Wiliam E. Powers’ story about single handedly creating the world and giving all of humanity eternal life by simply buying and reading his book was more plausible than all that Alien stuff.” After shaking his head he added “Their stupidity boggles the mind.”
More information about William E. Powers can be found by visiting www.liveforevertoday.com or by buying his book available here.