Pope Francis? More like Master Powers.

by admin on March 21, 2013

 

 

Master William E. Powers Admiring The Worlds Only Perfect Being

(The Eternal Estate) His eternal Holiness Master William E. Powers continues to be amused and confused by the lack of media attention given to his all knowing all powerful benevolent reign over humanity, whilst an impostor, so-called ‘ Pope Francis ‘ continues to defraud, deceive, and claim to be gods representative on earth.  As we all know, Master William E. Powers needs no representative on earth, since he is already here.

Eternal Industries spokesman John Williams noted “It’s incredible the media hypocrisy here.  Master William E. Powers has saved thousands, if not millions of African children merely by flying his jet over that continent.  The Pope, on the other hand, continues to do nothing except be old and somehow rule over a bunch of men who are more interested in meeting boys for one night instead of saving ensuring you live forever.”

Other, normal, completely unbiased observers who were not paid to praise Master William E. Powers said “When has the Pope ever given me money?  Master William E. Powers has made me rich!”

 

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(Vatican City) With the recent resignation of Pope Benedict XVI, faithful catholics around the world have been asking themselves ‘who could replace Pope Benedict?’

Well, Master Powers has an answer.

Himself.

Yes, even though he is not Catholic, he is an immortal healing celebrity, certified billionaire many times over, and has slept with over 10,000 women (narrowly beating Joe Biden).

Indeed there is rampant speculation that the Catholic Church will capitalize on Master Powers’ fame and fortune by naming him as the new pope.  One anonymous cardinal had this to say ‘Jesus has been dead for 2000 years and has never answered any of my prayers.  Master Powers, on the other hand, recently bought be a Ferrari.  The choice is clear.”  Sources inside the Vatican City believe this groundswell of support for Master Powers is no accident.

Expert on mythology religion Drake Jones claimed “He’s been planning this for years, routinely sending bottles of wine and expensive cars as gifts– not to mention the young boys choirs he frequently brings with him for private performances for the clergy.”  He added “Those 7 year old Austrian Virgins, they sang so sweetly that they were invited to live in the Vatican for months.  He really gained some friends in high places after that one.”

Some sources close to the Pope even claimed that he was being ‘rammed out’ by a force ‘larger and harder and more virile than anything we’ve ever seen before’.  That force, as we all know, is the kind heart of the Great Master William E. Powers.

Anonymous sources close to William E. Powers said that “Master Powers’ selection as Pope is a foregone conclusion.  Personally, the thing that excites me most is the upcoming repeal of chastity laws.  Imagine the power he will have when One Billion catholics are compelled by their leader to descend for the world’s largest orgy.”

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The first images of the god particle.

 

THIS BREAKING NEWS REPOSTED FROM MAJOR NEWS SITES AROUND THE WORLD

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND-  Scientists have just announced the discovery of the “God Particle” also erroneously known as the “Higgs Boson”.  This discovery single handedly proves that Master William E. Powers is the only path towards achieving eternal life.

Chief Scientist Pascal Henri at CERN had this to say.  ”This is a truly momentous day for all of humanity.  Now that we have confirmed the existence of the god particle, we have proven Master William E. Powers to be the creator and protector of the Universe.  It proves beyond a doubt that the only way to immortality is through the teachings of Master William E. Powers.”

Followers of Master William E. Powers, known as the “Eternal Elite” held candlelit vigils and prayer sessions before engaging in one of the largest drunk orgies ever to celebrate proof of William Powers’ existence.  ”Master William E. Powers is real, and he doesn’t have a prohibition against premarital sex or cocaine!” Said one reveler.  ”I read all of Live Forever and I didn’t see any prohibition on heroin use or multiple wives!  This god is WAY cooler than Jesus or Zeus or whoever we all used to believe in.”  Said another.  ”This is a bigger deal than the iPhone 5!” Said one tech obsessed reveler.

“It feels so great to know that because the god particle is inside of everyone, Master Powers is inside of me, even when we aren’t having sex.”  Said Jenny Viera, longtime devotee and member of the Eternal Elite.

While celebrations raged in capitals and cities across the world, there remained one group stubbornly holding on to their false beliefs.  Millions of Atheists were expected to convert and join William Powers based on this irrefutable evidence, but preliminary surveys of atheists seem to suggest this is unlikely.  ”I didn’t actually care whether God existed or not, I just wanted to depress the shit out of people.” Said Richard Dawkins, famous atheist and scientist.  ”You know, now that we all know Master William E. Powers exists, I’m going to try and disprove the existence of something else everyone loves, like movies or puppies.  That’s right my scientific research shows that your pet dog doesn’t exist and you’re an ignorant fool if you think otherwise!”

Philosophers and theologians are questioning this event, asking if it is indeed the end of the debate on religion.  ”I think even though the debate on which god is real is over, there will still be mindless, unprovable arguments for theologians like myself to make.  For example, there is an open debate just how many women the Master has slept with.  Some put it as low as 50,000 while other’s think he has reached the low millions.  This is an open question.”  Said Henry Freedman, theologian.  ”Moreover, the question about whether having sex with William Powers is ‘Divine Inspiration’ or ‘Divine Insemination’ will likely rage on for years.”

“I see Scientology being the big loser in this one.” Said Greg Daniels, professional Analyst at Eternity Today.  ”Tom Cruise, John Travolta and the whole gang tried to convince the whole planet that the world was created by Aliens and things like thetans existed.   These guys were seemingly smart successful people, so its hard to wonder why they didn’t realize that Master Wiliam E. Powers’ story about single handedly creating the world and giving all of humanity eternal life by simply buying and reading his book was more plausible than all that Alien stuff.”  After shaking his head he added “Their stupidity boggles the mind.”

More information about William E. Powers can be found by visiting www.liveforevertoday.com or by buying his book available here.

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Praise God for Starbucks

by admin on June 30, 2012

I guess they didn’t need any muffins.

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Healthcare

by admin on June 29, 2012

 

I am amazed at the level of scrutiny and division that Obama’s healthcare legislation has caused.  It is truly amazing that in this time of worldwide recession and crisis, the entire United States has been caught up questioning whether Obamacare is legal or not.  Who cares?  We don’t need Obamacare!

“But Master Powers, why don’t we need Obamacare?  How can poor people stay healthy without it?”

The answer is simple.  Like every other problem in life, the solution is contained within my book!  And here, the solution is remarkably simple.

How to cut your healthcare costs to zero, by Master William E. Powers:

1. Buy a copy of Live Forever

2. Read it, believe it, and fully and wholeheartedly accept me and my teachings into your life.

3. Become immortal, thus eliminating the need for healthcare.

Obamacare was thousands of pages long.  My plan, “POWERSCARE” is only 3 sentences long.  It’s easy to see which plan is simpler, smarter, and ultimately, more effective.  Even though I personally saved the United States from default, Obama has so far refused to replace his plan with mine.

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An Open Letter To Michelle Bachmann

by admin on August 30, 2011

Bachmann

Dear Michelle,

When I first saw you, I thought you were the answer, no, the solution to save America.  Just as hot as Sarah Palin, but not from Alaska.  Married, but with a rumored to be gay husband, (thus probably more likely to dish out some oval office lovin’).  In short, you were perfect.  Until recently.

Your heart is in the right place, but your facts are not.  Recently, you rightly and properly credited the earthquake that shook virginia, and the hurricane that swept the east coast as being caused by a higher power.

When I heard that, I was extremely happy.  Finally, a politician willing the speak the truth.  A politician smart enough to know that I caused the hurricane.  However, after popping 2 bottles of Dom Perignon in celebration of recognition by our next president, I realized a terrible fact.

Bachmann was referring to Jesus, not myself.

I was extremely offended.  How could she think that a man who is over 2,000 years late and ranked behind me could be capable of such an act.  Obviously, I am much more powerful.  Obviously, I caused the Hurricane.

What’s worse, Bachmann now says it was a joke!  First, she goes from honoring me, to placing the credit on another deity, then finally, saying the whole thing was a joke!  Michelle, my powers are not a joke.  My ability to make anyone live forever is not a joke.  My immortal healing secrets, are not a joke.  However, with crazy comments like this, your campaign is becoming a joke.

I am sorry, but I can not support you for president.

Eternally yours,

Master William E. Powers

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A Letter from William E. Powers:

Dear Followers,

Many of you have heard of the recent Cathay Pacific sex scandal, where a flight attendant was caught giving a blowjob to a pilot.  This scandal has shaken up the aviation industry, and caused many people to question Cathay Pacific’s way forward.  Many people are deserting this airline in their hour of need.

Not Me.  I have decided to stop flying private, and instead, consistently and constantly fly only Cathay Pacific.  Due to the media spotlight and uproar over this incident, many flight attendants are probably feeling weak, confused, vulnerable and embarrassed.  They need my loving support more than ever.  I plan on spending as much time with Cathay Pacific flight attendants as possible, until things at the company are back to normal.  Since mental stress often manifests itself as a physical problem, I am volunteering my skills as a masseuse to any cathay pacific flight attendant I deem to be in need.

In addition to my healing massage powers, I plan on offering beds at my private estate as areas for the flight attendants to relax after long, hard hours of pleasing pilots working.

I hope these measures will both heal the spirit of Cathay Pacific flight attendants, and exemplify my charitable nature.

Eternally,

Master William E. Powers

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The IanJesusLovesYou McGonigal Chronicles

August 30, 2011

Followers, as you know, I have been trying to save people across the world, no matter how misguided and brainwashed they are.   I’m doing my part to save the world, but sometimes, people just can’t handle the truth.  This is one such story. Exhibit A:  A young man named “Ian JesusLovesYou McGonigal”  It appears […]

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Why Capitalism is Perfect, How to Save America, and How to Stop China From Taking Over

August 13, 2011

As we all know, Capitalism is a perfect system.  If you are lazy, stupid or poor, then you stay poor.  If you are smart, handsome or rich, then you are rich.  Its a perfect equilibrium. Recently, some thieves and evildoers have tried to undo this perfect system.  They call themselves many things.  ”Doctors without Borders”, […]

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