NEW YORK- Eternity Industries charitable spokesman Jeff Gunsworth yesterday announced that international immortal healing celebrity Master William E. Powers has donated 50,000 signed, limited edition, never before released, leather-bound copies of his bestselling book “Live Forever” to the United States government, thus solving the national debt crisis.
“Conservative estimates put the value of each signed, limited edition copy of “Live Forever” at 250 Million Dollars. Although we here at eternity industries like to say that life is priceless.” He continued “At this valuation, the total donation amounts to nearly 14 Trillion dollars, enough to completely wipe out the national debt and once again put America on the path towards prosperity and life.”
Central Bank Governors around the world were stunned by the sheer generosity of the gift. Secretary of the Treasury Timothy Geithner released a statement saying “We thank Master William E. Powers for ensuring the financial stability of the United States for years to come. As we all know, out of control spending here in Washington meant that the Chinese were slowly enslaving us. Now I can finally eat at Panda Express without shame.”
Lawmakers from both political parties seemed relieved. Speaker of the House and Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi released a joint statement: “We are so glad that instead of having to make tough decisions on spending cuts or tax increases, we can go back to what we both do best: Our normal routine of endless partisan bickering. Thank you Master Powers.”
Political analysts initially believed that the resolution of the debt crisis would result in a bump in popularity for President Obama, however early numbers suggest that in fact Obama’s support is unchanged. Master William E. Powers on the other hand, has shot up in the polls, and now beats Obama in a head to head matchup 74% to 21% with 5% undecided.
But this news isn’t just making waves in the United States.
Early Wednesday morning, just as this paper was going to press, rumors abounded that European Central Bank president Jean-Claude Trichet was desperately trying to reach the famously elusive Master William E. Powers to arrange a bailout of Greece. One of his top aides, speaking on the condition of anonymity said “Jean-Claude is red with envy. We’re dealing with the largest debt crisis in European history and Master William E. Powers bailed out America instead! Where did we go wrong?” He later added “Jean-Claude came into the office, fired his secretary, and then ordered a case of scotch” Other sources claimed that “everyone is hanging their heads” at the office after the announcement.
Despite the best efforts of the Europeans, Master Powers could not be reached, but is rumored to be on his Gulfstream 650 en route to Fiji.